


It All Adds Up

by SugarCrystal



Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: Episode: s05e03 Terrorform, Episode: s05e05 Demons and Angels, Internalised Homophobia, M/M, Self Loathing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-15
Updated: 2017-07-15
Packaged: 2018-12-02 07:28:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 807
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11504592
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SugarCrystal/pseuds/SugarCrystal
Summary: Lister puts two and two together.





	It All Adds Up

**Author's Note:**

> Just some musings on the canon slashinesss, probably been done before somewhere, but I thought I might as well just post it while I'm working on other stuff.

_I'm going to lash you to within an inch of your life and then, I'm going to have you._

After escaping from the low ship, throwing up the remains of a tarantula, thoroughly scrubbing out his mouth with toothpaste, taking a hot shower and settling his stomach with a couple of lagers, Lister was now in a fit state to think.

What in ten smegging hells had all _that_ been about? 

His own low self being completely disgusting with a penchant for violence was something he _could_ possibly understand, as uncomfortable as it made him to admit it. Low Cat and Kryten, he thought he could understand too, from what little he'd seen of them.

But Rimmer? Why would Rimmer's evil self be a punk, cross-dressing, gay rapist? He'd called him pretty for smeg's sake, why would _any_ version of Rimmer call any version of Lister pretty?

As it had turned out, the low Rimmer hadn't got the chance to do anything much to him and, being a hologram, was pretty limited in what he could do anyway but he had made it crystal clear what he _wanted_ to do. He had been oozing with confidence over it too and Lister could see why, confidence was something which the normal Rimmer was severely lacking in, naturally his low self would want to have some.

It would certainly take a lot of confidence to wear that outfit. Under less stressful circumstances, Lister would have probably found that get-up hilarious, it was like the most ridiculous and tasteless collection of cliched gay stereotypes imaginable, as if a biker gang had crashed into a Pride parade. The only possible reason for going around wearing something like that was to announce to the world, "I'm gay and I'm horrible and I want everyone to know it" and, as Rimmer wasn't gay (horrible was debatable) it made no sense at all.

Oh...,

Wait...,

Io, a culture that had modelled itself on early 20th century Britain, complete with outdated moral and religious views. They didn't like homosexuality on Io, they didn't like a lot of things, and Rimmer's parents had never seemed like the most open-minded of people, especially towards their disappointment of a youngest son. Anyone who was gay and born on Io would have grown up thinking that there was something wrong with them. They'd have ended up hiding it, repressing it and hating themselves for having such "disgusting" feelings.

Hating themselves.

Self loathing.

The self-loathing monster.

Rimmer had seemed convinced that his self-loathing had wanted to anally violate him. Lister hadn't got a good enough look at the creature to be able to tell but Rimmer had so Lister supposed he'd have to take his word for it.

He'd seen the branding iron, after the creature had dropped it and fled, it was shaped like an H. Lister had understood that part okay; as Rimmer had had a physical body at the time, Rimmer's self-loathing wanted to remind him of his hated hologrammatic status, Lister could see the symbolism of _that_. But being anally raped? Lister hadn't seen any significance to that, as undoubtedly horrific as such an experience would be, it didn't seem to have anything particularly to do with self loathing, the creature's shtick was to torture Rimmer with all the things about himself that he hated. _Now_ , as Lister slotted the pieces into place, it all began to make perfect sense.

And what had Lister done to get them off of that planet?

Told Rimmer he loved him and put his hand on his leg and then taken it all back again.

A cold feeling began building in the pit of Lister's stomach and he suddenly felt in need of another drink. He remembered it now, when he'd put his hand on Rimmer's thigh, the way Rimmer had looked at him in the split second he'd had before Kryten had interrupted, a brief look of..., hope?

_You didn't really mean any of that, did you?_

_No!_

And Rimmer's face after that "No!". At the time, Lister had been too busy laughing to pay attention but, thinking now, Rimmer had looked utterly crushed.

Lister fitted the last piece of the puzzle into place and suddenly understood everything. Rimmer did want him, maybe always had, but had been so unable to cope with his own feelings that he'd spent years treating him like crap as a form of denial.

And now, how did Rimmer view that little stunt Lister had pulled on the psi-moon?

That Lister had mocked him. Led him on, given him false hope and then rejected him and laughed in his face. That incident was still fresh in Rimmer's mind, still hurting him.

The worst possible part of Rimmer, all the deepest, darkest, dirtiest parts of Rimmer's mind, wanted Lister - and it wanted revenge.

Smegging hell.


End file.
